


you don't know what i've done (i'm wanted and on the run)

by HippieRyden



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blood, Death, Forgive Me, I'm too lazy to edit anymore, M/M, Murder, Serialkiller!Josh, Suicide, sorry if I missed any mistakes, this is pretty sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 16:32:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4529097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HippieRyden/pseuds/HippieRyden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?”</p><p>The quote stuck with him like an unshakable feeling of guilt. He never meant to get so hung up over a random string of letters that Tyler had seen on the internet. But as he lay in bed, his alarm clock next to him glaring 5:43 AM, it was difficult for him not to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you don't know what i've done (i'm wanted and on the run)

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to my girlfriend Lumen for giving me some assistance with this trash

Josh lost track of this weeks body count.

Normally he could gaze down at his arm and tally the defense scratches by how healed they were. Some old cuts were reborn into scars, while others disappeared without a trace. His arms had been free from any damage lately. Strangling was soon becoming a chore, losing the lust that it once gave him. Sleeping pills were a prescription away, and pocket knives could be bought just about anywhere. The scent of bleach no longer burned his nostrils, and the thought of blood didn't make his stomach twist in disgust. 

  
His latest guest was resting in the bathtub, wearing nothing but an assortment of stab wounds. Blood trickled down the drain at a snail-like pace since most of the crimson fluid was lost beforehand. Josh leaned against the bathroom counter, taking a sip of soda while admiring his hard work. The man (whose name he can't remember, not like it matters now) had slid his hand onto Joshs thigh at the club last night. His breath smelt of overpriced vodka and nicotine, distracting him from the fact that a stranger was rubbing their thumb on the fabric of his faded jeans. The brunet began mumbling something into his ear, but the head pounding music distorted the words, leaving him with the all too familiar "leave" and "your place". Joshs reaction stayed neutral, giving a simple nod as his response.

  
Laced cola and camera flashes occupied their evening. When brunet became groggy, Josh did the nicest thing he could do; escort him to the guest room so the exhausted man could sleep. Inching towards the bedroom, he placed his head against the door. Faint snores that spilled from the room were signals of his vulnerability.

  
He no longer hesitated to inflict the first wound. Blade pierced skin, causing a flow of blood to soak into the sheets underneath him. Multiple slits decorated the brunets torso by the time Josh had finished his attack. Whether he was (somehow) still alive Josh wasn't sure, but a clean slit across the throat would finish the job. It took mental convincing for him to get off of the now still body. Hands soaked with blood, he carried the corpse to the bathroom floor. After tossing the soiled clothes into a plastic bag for later disposal, the brunet was relocated to the bathtub where he was set to drain.

Which brings us back to current time.

Josh is in the final stages of his ritual. Sawing off limbs wasn't the most exciting part, but it was easier to stuff assorted body parts into a trash bag than it is to fit a whole body. Brunet was no longer a pretty sight. His once tan skin was now beginning to turn blue and green in colour. Expensive cologne was replaced with the scent of rotting flesh. It wouldn't be incorrect to say that bleach had become Joshs best friend.

A twig snapped under his feet, making his heart speed up just a bit more. He should have waited one more day. The news promised rain, which would have meant a more quiet burial. Granted, he was out in the middle of nowhere with no civilization in sight, so the worries of being caught were basically slim to none. Josh could only recall one instance where he was in jeopardy. A few campers had decided to reside a mile or so from his spot. Late night chatter along with the crackle of a burning fire was unusual for him to deal with. Never the less, he escaped without being detected, and none of the bodies were discovered.  


  
Arriving at his destination, Josh started his task of digging. The thud of soft dirt and the clink of metal when the shovel hit rocks rang throughout the night, standing out between the chirps of crickets. Grass had grown over some of the old spots, making him lose count of his total kills. “Somewhere between 20 and 40” is what he'd tell himself, as if he was rehearsing for an interrogation room. With a few nudges of his foot, the bag was sealed into it's final location.

~~~~~~~~

4:30

This work week was officially over. The office had been buzzing all day with excitement over the coming weekend. Employees shared their weekend plans with one another in the break room over coffee. A few of them had made their way towards Josh, who was refilling his mug for the second time. They'd ask him the same question they asked others. He'd never indulge with details, and would often brush off their offers of hanging out. Sooner or later they would grow disgruntled with his lifeless responses, and migrate somewhere else.

The club was lacking in opportunity. For a Friday night, Josh had expected there to be a better selection. A few seemed appealing, but whether they were appealing enough to lure home with the promise of sex, he wasn't as sold. Pushing his watered-down soda away from him, Josh considered abandoning this location and trying somewhere else. The night was still young, leaving a bit of hope in his adventures.

But he spotted him

_Him_

Josh had begun to stand up from the bar stool, finally deciding this place was no longer worth his time, when his eyes wandered to a booth by the dance floor. There was a small group of men inhabiting the area, laughing to themselves and sipping on tall glasses of beer. Except for the one. His drink of choice was water, making Josh wonder if he was the nights driver. Shrunk into the edge of his seat, it was clear that the man with brown hair was not in his element.

  
It took persuasion from his mind for him to approach the stranger. He shouldn't go after him, he's in a group. The minute he's considered missing he'll be the first suspect. But _fuck_. There was something about this guy that he couldn't let go. The man next to him with bright red hair began to pick up on Josh glances, giving the target a soft elbow to the side, followed by a not-so discreet point. Taking a chance, Josh zig-zaged his way over to them.

  
“Hi, I'm Josh” he held out his hand in hopes of looking polite, not caring if he accepted it or not. Getting a better view, he couldn't help but let his eyes wander a bit. Black jeans with a few scattered tears and an oversized grey hoodie clung to the mans body. Ordinary. Josh wasn't complaining. Red hit his friend on the shoulder.

  
“Tyler don't be rude, say something!” So his name was Tyler. The first victim in a long time who wouldn't be nicknamed for a physical feature. It took a few seconds before Tyler was able to squeak out a small sentence,

  
“Hey”

  
Alright, so maybe “sentence” wasn't a good way to describe it, but it was better than silence. Josh took it as a small victory when Tyler slid over, allowing him to join their conversation. Pounding club music became mute, and the multi-coloured strobes no longer blinded him.

 ~~~~~~~~

All of them had lost track of time by the time they decided to go their own ways. Random conversations nawed away at the worries both him and Tyler had been feeling about their newfound interaction. It took barely any convincing for Josh to coax the young man into coming over, even offering to let Gerard and Frank join in. Each of them turned the invitation down, claiming they didn't want to interrupt on their fun.

  
“Did you come in your own vehicle?” he asked while they walked out the front door, being caught off guard by the cold air. Tyler shook his head.

  
“We took a cab” Josh nodded as a reply, pulling his keys from his pocket. He gave Tyler a soft smile, hoping it would calm him down and put any knots in his stomach to rest.

  
He led Tyler to his car, continuing the polite act by opening the passenger door for him. His effort to get the younger man to drink was hopeless, apparently this one wasn't as weak when it came to pouty faces and pitiful whines. Josh liked the task, though. Murder wasn't as fun if the victim practically walked into the blade, as if they were begging for their blood to be spilled. When the vehicle came to life, quiet mumbling from the radio tore at the midnight peace. Scrambled ideas ran through Joshs' head as his eyes focused on the road. He wanted to burn away the quiet looming over them, but forced small talk wasn't going to work with Ty. Ditching his pathetic efforts, Josh cleared his throat and carried on with his driving.

 

“Well, I have Mario Kart, if that's your thing...” Tylers face lit up when that suggestion poured from Joshs lips.

  
“Alright I'll take that as a yes” a small blush crept onto Tylers cheeks, and Josh couldn't help but smirk at the sight. Watching as his guest sat down on the couch, he realized that the thought of murder never slipped into his skull. That was the reason he had approached Ty in the first place. Fucking him wasn't an option anymore, that he learned when discovering how damn shy the guy was. Josh wasn't an expert on human emotion, but if a guy could barely croak out enough words to count as a conversation, he most likely wasn't the type to have a dick jammed in his throat during their first encounter. Tyler had a romantic vibe to him. The type to take you on cheesy dates like picnics and write you a poem on your anniversary.

  
And when it came time to fetch his guest a drink, the half empty bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom cupboard went untouched.

  
Josh made his way back to the living room, two glasses of coke in his hand, trying not to drop them as condensation formed on the outside. Mario Kart was ready to go, the menu glaring at Josh impatiently. Setting the other glass next to Tyler, Josh took a seat next to him on the floor, his hand rubbing against the tan carpet.

  
“I don't mean to brag, but I kick ass at this game” Josh grinned, receiving a devious look from Tyler.

  
“That's because you haven't played me yet,” deciding against being mature, Josh stuck his tongue out at Tyler as he pressed the start button. The race started out calm, both were too occupied with NPC's to worry about each other just yet. When 'lap 3' chimed across the screen their harmony turned to greed and Josh looked up at Tylers part of the TV.

 

“Please don't let that be what I think it is,” he whimpered, trying to pull as far away from the younger mans character as possible. Tyler said nothing in return, making Josh whimper even louder.

  
“Tyler please spare me, I'll let you win the next round I promise,” Josh watched helplessly as Luigi inched closer to the approaching finish line. But that was soon torn away by a pixelated green shell that appeared from behind. Dropping the controller in defeat, he groaned while Mario drove past the checkered line, setting Tylers victory, and his loss, into stone. The champion was too busy laughing to give a half-assed apology, making Josh cross his arms and stick out his bottom lip.

 

 

Josh had lost track of time when 4 am bit at his eyelids. It took an unanswered question for him to realize that Tyler had passed out, mouth hanging slightly ajar as his head rested against the couch. A small wave of panic swam over him while he watched the sleeping mans chest rise and fall with each breath. Should he leave him there? If he did it might seem rude, and he could end up with a sore neck in the morning. But if he moved him, what if his need to kill took over and he couldn't stop his hands from sliding around Tylers throat...

No.

Not tonight.

He was too tired to even think about murder tonight, let alone actually go through with it. After a bit of silent arguing with himself, Josh decided to pick Tyler up and place him on the couch. There, that was okay. The urge to strangle him was nonexistent, making Josh let out a quiet sigh of relief. That relief soon turned into worry, and he quickly became confused at why he didn't want to watch the life drain from Tylers eyes. Okay, fuck, he definitely wanted that. Yet there was still something in him wanted to keep this man alive. It was only a small part of his brain, maybe 5% if he had to guess, but that 5% was fighting to be heard, and obeyed.

 

 

It was hard for Josh to watch Tyler leave the next morning. Part of him wished he was in the bathtub, slowly moving into the first stage of decomposition as Josh watched from the bathroom counter. Instead of preparing to cut him to pieces, he was lounging in the kitchen, repeatedly shoving the coffee mug to his lips while Tyler explained to Frank (or perhaps Gerard) over the phone that he was in fact not dead in a ditch somewhere. When he turned to face him, Josh mouthed a sympathetic “sorry” before taking another sip. After a few more reassurances, Frank (or Gerard) had decided that Tyler was fine, and they didn't need to file a missing persons report. Killing someone who would be so heavily missed wasn't going to be a walk in the park. Whether this was the type of challenge Josh enjoyed is unknown, by both him and his conscious. There's always a first for everything.

  
“Sorry about waking you up, I tried to be quiet,” he looked away from the dark liquid residing in his mug, making eye contact with a messy haired Ty. The coffee hadn't kicked in yet, so a nonchalant shrug was what Josh decided to give him. _10:13_ blinked from the microwave. It was too damn early for him to be awake. Weekends were meant for sleeping past noon and barely getting off the couch, besides the occasional body disposing.

  
“I um, had a lot of fun last night,” Tyler said quietly, rubbing at the back of his neck. Josh had to admit, he had a lot of fun too, granted his losses in Mario Kart were more abundant than his wins.

  
“We should do this again. I mean, you don't have to come here, we could like, go out, or something,” it was like a battle for the title of most awkward, and both of them were tied for first place. What Josh didn't realize until after the opportunity left his mouth was that he had pretty much asked Tyler out on a date. 'Dont play with your food' was a saying that should be more often applied to murderers and their victims. They always suspect the friends first, so when Tyler turned up missing, everyone was going to turn their head at Josh.

Great.

“That would be cool. Actually, Gerard and Frank are having a concert next weekend, maybe we could go? Nothing too big, of course, just a club performance,” his guest had a look of regret on his face, as if he wished he never said anything. Music was what the four of them discussed most last night at the bar. It seemed to get Ty socializing, so Josh didn't care. Although, when it came to whether or not he actually paid attention to what they talked about, he was guilty of ignorance. Getting attached to these people was the last thing on his mind, all he wished to do was drive a knife into Tylers vocal cords. His hand twitched, begging Josh to let it pull open the drawer and grab one of the sharp utensils he really never used because who needs that big of a fucking knife unless you're a butcher. Buried deep in his lust for blood, he didn't know if Tyler had been speaking to him or not. When his mind spit him out of his prison of desire, the guest was nowhere to be seen. Did he leave? The bathroom door opened, revealing Tyler and his now lazily fixed hair. Mug empty, Josh had to force himself not to pour the scorching coffee directly into his mouth.

  
“You can stay, if you want” Josh spoke up, trying to act like he didn't want to be standing in a pool of Tylers blood. Now _he_ regretted opening his mouth, because if Tyler agreed to stay, it wasn't likely that he'd be making it out of the house.

  
“I can't, I promised Gerard and Frank that I'd meet up with them. Thanks for the offer, though.” And with that, he was gone, leaving Joshs' murderous thoughts to eat him alive.

~~~~~~~~ 

Of course Tyler had to text him now. Hands covered in blood and a torn apart body resting in front of him, Josh didn't really want to be thinking about the soft buzz vibrating on the bathroom counter. He didn't have to open the message to know what it's contents contained. It was Thursday, the concert was only a day or so away, and Josh forgot to confirm if he was going or not.

  
“ _Fuck_ ” he growled, irritated with the uncooperative corpse that was being too difficult for him to cut apart. Acid was looking more and more attractive by the moment. Josh swore he heard his phone vibrate again, even though it remained silent.

  
“I'll go to your fucking concert just _shut the fuck up_ ” hissing into thin air wasn't going to answer the message for him, and the thought of how Ty would have reacted if he actually said that made his throat tighten. The loud crash of metal hitting tile made Josh flinch. He didn't want to deal with any of this. He wanted the body to just hack itself to pieces, and he wanted Tyler to get off his fucking back (even though he wasn't even on it) about this goddamn concert. Falling back against the counter, Josh closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_Okay, just relax, one thing at a time. Reply to Ty, finish the body._

Repeating the last sentence in his mind, he watched as the blood gradually began to disappear from his hands. Quickly wiping the water off onto his jeans, Josh grabbed his phone and read the message.

**Tyler, sent at 2:32pm  
Concert, yes or no?**

**Josh, sent at 2:36pm**  
**Yeah**

He had barely set the phone down before it went off again.

**Tyler, sent at 2:37pm  
Cool. I'll pick u up at 7**

Deciding that he wasn't in the mood to reply, Josh ignored his phone, kneeling back down so he could finish the goal he had burned into his head. Bodies like these were a constant reminder that sometimes the rush of killing someone just wasn't worth it. Sweat beading on his forehead, Josh used his newfound frustration to saw through the remaining limbs. He'd be lying if he said that he hadn't been imagining Tyler as the corpse splayed out in front of him. Sure, it was a bit fucked up. Picturing the guy you're going on a, _ahem_ , date with, as someone you had brutally stabbed to death the previous night wasn't the most romantic thing, but Josh didn't care. Or at least, he pretended that he didn't. That 5% had grown, and for once in his life, Josh felt like he had more control over his urge to kill than his urge to care.

~~~~~~~~ 

Tyler was toxic. Josh knew it the moment he laid eyes on him at the club, but denial was Joshs' thing, so he refused to acknowledge it. But he could only push it away for so long, and when Ty made eye contact with him during the concert as they stood at the bar, his heart rate increased and he hoped it would jump out of his chest and kill him. It didn't, obviously, so Josh picked the next best thing and slammed another shot. A small smile formed on Tylers lips as he witnessed Josh down his 3rd drink. Both had had their fair share of alcohol, making any future decisions between them unknown. When Ty turned away, moving his attention back to the stage where Gerard and Frank were still performing, Josh began having an argument with his needs. Half of him wanted to pull him close and press his lips to Tylers. At the same time, he also wanted to lead the man outside and bash his skull into the brick wall until that pretty brown hair turned a dark shade of red. Before he could decide for himself, Tyler moved closer,

  
“Their sets over, if you want to go” whiskey hung on his breath, and Josh took Tylers hand as they slid out the front door. The brick wall began to shout for him again, scratching against his skin while he waited for Ty to call a cab. A short breeze blew through his hair, giving him a silent reminder that he wanted to re-dye it. Distracted with a small rock he'd been kicking back and forth, Josh didn't notice when his friend leaned next to him.

  
“They were pretty good” was all Josh could spit out. It wasn't a lie this time either, he thoroughly enjoyed the concert.

  
“I'll be sure to pass that on to them” Tylers words gave a bit of a slur. A few more minutes of concert related discussion bounced between the two. When the cab pulled up in front of them, Tyler, gifted with a sudden burst of energy, pulled Josh inside. Drunkenly muttering his address to the driver, the younger man gave Josh a quick glance, as if he was asking permission to take him home. Josh smiled in return, getting too much enjoyment out of watching Tylers fingers tap rhythmically on his knee, eyes soaking up views through the window.

 

 

Walking through the front door, Josh hadn't been expecting the mess that awaited them. Notebook paper was strewn all over, some crumpled up into balls and thrown at a nearby waste basket. A keyboard was resting on the couch, not too far away from the ukulele.

  
“Excuse the disaster, I forgot to pick up earlier” Tyler apologized, quickly scooping up as many pieces of paper as he could. Deciding he would help, Josh leaned down to grab some of the scraps by his feet. When he glanced over one of them, he noticed words.

  
“Are these..song lyrics?” Josh questioned, Tys face began to turn red.

  
“Yeah, I like to write songs when I'm bored or stressed. They're not that good” Tyler reached to grab the one from Joshs' hand but he pulled away.

  
“Not that good? These are sick, dude” he grinned as he read them, only increasing Tylers embarrassment. Faint memories from their first meeting came back to Josh. Frank had mentioned once or twice during the night that Tyler had been aching to start a band.

  
“Do you play anything?” Tyler asked while removing the keyboard from the couch.

  
“Um, I played the drums a lot during high school. I can't sing for shit.” Joshs' curiosity grew when he imagined Ty singing. If they weren't still buzzing from the alcohol, he would have contemplated asking him to sing for him. Knowing how shy he was, Tyler probably would have just blushed and stammered something before trying to change the subject. But when Josh had passed out in the spare bedroom, he was awoken in the morning to the sweet sounds of Tyler singing. It was muffled, and in the beginning he assumed it was just Ty talking to himself. Inching his way closer to the living room, his voice grew louder, and Josh realized that Tyler was singing the song he had peeled off the dirty carpet.

And oh god was his voice beautiful.

Unsure of how long he could stay unnoticed, he kept hidden in the doorway, observing the back of Tys head as he casually strung the ukulele. Josh wanted to stay in this moment forever. If he could live out the rest of his days standing in that doorway as his future victim sang his heart out, he would be happy. Content. Yet Josh knew he wasn't worthy of something so marvelous. Someone who easily tore apart bodies and got pleasure from endlessly stabbing someone shouldn't be given a life like that. A murderer deserved to suffer, and that's what Josh was. Too lost in his daydream to detect that Tyler was no longer singing, he jumped when the younger man cleared his throat.

  
“Did I wake you?”

  
“Yes, but I'm not complaining” the adorable shade of red consumed Tylers face again, and Josh couldn't stop himself from grinning.

~~~~~~~~

It takes Josh six months to accept the fact that he was in love. Love. The word stung his brain every time he thought about it. He promised himself that he wouldn't develop any feelings for him. Some shitty request that he made while he stared at his ceiling one night as sleep avoided him. Tyler was supposed to be dead and underground, his final resting place a black trash bag. Why couldn't Josh just kill him and get it over with. Slit his throat, suffocate him with a belt, end the life that was turning his upside down. Yet here he was, laying next to the man he wanted dead, letting Tyler run his fingers through Joshs' now purple hair (A part of him regrets giving the other man power to choose, because now every time he looks in a mirror all he can think of is Ty). The more he dwelled on it, countless moments flooded into his head. There had to be a specific moment Josh started getting butterflies whenever Tyler would look at him.

  
God, this was cheesy as fuck. Trying to recall what special incident in their relationship could be the cause of this. Maybe it wasn't an event at all. Tyler had so many quirks and features to him that Josh grew to appreciate.

  
“What are you thinking about?” Tyler interrupted, making Josh turn to look at the soft brown eyes laying beside him. Those are definitely one of his favourite features.

  
“Why?”

  
“You get this look on your face when you're lost in thought, it's cute.” Josh could feel himself starting to blush, drawing out a small giggle from Tyler. Add that to the list as well.

  
“Just thinking about you” he admits, unable to resist the urge to see Ty smirk.

They stay in tranquility for awhile longer, getting amusement just from each others company. Occasionally Tyler will think out loud, and Josh is sure he doesn't want an answer, so he remains mute. “It's nice to have somebody that listens” is what Tyler had told him a few months before. That's what Josh was, a listener. He liked listening to Tyler, his mind was always full of interesting clutters of words. Sometimes he would run song ideas by Josh, asking for a second opinion or an extra dose of inspiration.

  
“Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?” is how the younger man breaks their silence, and Josh takes a moment to digest it.

  
“Potential song lyrics?”

  
“Nah, some quote I read online. Makes me think of _Blurry Face_ ”

 _Blurry Face_ , how could Josh forget such a staple in Tylers life. The co-writer for so many of his songs, and the thing that plagued his very existence. In a way, Josh related. His _Blurry Face_ was the homicidal thoughts living inside of him, who were constantly fighting for dominance over all his decisions. It wasn't uncommon for them to win, and his high body count (which he was still clueless of when it came to exact numbers, by the way) proved that. Of course Josh couldn't discuss this, so he'd stay reserved as normal, providing comfort when needed. Tyler would remain clueless, and that's exactly what he wanted him to be.

 

_“Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?”_

The quote stuck with him like an unshakable feeling of guilt. He never meant to get so hung up over a random string of letters that Tyler had seen on the internet. But as he lay in bed, his alarm clock next to him glaring 5:43 _AM_ , it was difficult for him not to. What was the “monster”? Him? His undying urge to kill? Fuck. It was too late for him to be dealing with all this philosophical shit. Unable to sleep, Josh peeled himself from the covers, searching for a hoodie and a pair of shorts so he wouldn't freeze. Late night (or early morning, if you want to get technical) walks weren't unfamiliar for Josh. His brain would often forget to shut up, and instead of staring at his bedroom walls he'd make his way outside.

  
Sun just beginning to rise, everything was dusted with a pale shade of turquoise. A few cars would cruise by, signaling the slow awakening of civilization. When a lone jogger passed him, his thoughts stirred as if they had been leaves resting on the sidewalk, picked up by a gust of wind. Josh loved Tyler. He could deny it like a bad habit as much as he wanted, but it was reality. Affection was not an emotion that Josh was experienced in. That was his fault though, he had sworn the feeling away years prior while staring at the first bloody man beneath him. Josh was a monster. Someone as as vile as him, who only has an interest in mutilating bodies and scrubbing away dried blood, couldn't even consider being eligible for the enjoyable feeling love brought. It was something new for him, _unique_. Being with Tyler was like a breath of fresh air. And Josh didn't deserve that. Josh deserved to drown.

~~~~~~~~~

Sitting on the bathroom floor, Josh waited patiently for the bottle of sleeping pills he swallowed to kick in. He was surprisingly calm for someone who knew death was resting on his shoulders. Maybe he hadn't realized the consequences of his actions just yet. But Josh wasn't stupid, he knew exactly what he had done.

Josh was dying, and he was still calm.

Minutes felt like hours and he wished the damn medication would do it's job before he began to regret his decision. This was for Tyler. The man with the pretty brown hair and the soft brown eyes. The man with a voice that Josh wishes he could hear right now because the soft buzzing of the light wasn't as comforting. The man who had a smile that made Josh forget he was a homicidal maniac, even if it was just for a moment. He loved Tyler, and that's why he ingested all of those pills. Staying alive and being with Tyler were two entirely different paths and there was no possible way for them to meet in the middle. If Josh stayed alive, the monster would win and Tyler would become another hole in the ground like all of the others. He needed to protect Ty, and the only way Josh could do that was to silence the thoughts.

  
Lost in his head, Josh doesn't notice when his eyelids become heavy. He doesn't feel the lone tear slide down his cheek when he thinks about how he'll never see his beloved Ty again. Nor does he feel the piece of note paper slip from between his fingers.

~~~~~~~~

“Are you ever going to read that thing?” Gerard questions him with a concerned look. Tyler just shrugs, glancing at the folded piece of paper that had been sitting on his coffee table since the night he came home from Joshs'. It was grouped with what seemed to be a map of some sort, but he hadn't looked at that either. Frank stood up alongside Gerard, saying something involving Ty to “hang in there” before leaving him alone. Alone. Three weeks had passed since he found Josh unconscious on the bathroom floor. Details have grown fuzzy, and part of him is thankful for that since it prevents reoccurring nightmares. Unable to avoid it any longer, Tyler reaches for the note, carefully pulling it open.

 _Baby boy,_  
_Do you remember when we kissed for the first time? You had planned this big picnic in the park, and you were going to bring your ukulele so you could play some songs. We were so excited. And then, as we laid down the blanket, it started to rain. Like, really hard rain. Ty I told you it was a dumb idea to go so far away from the car. Yet you didn't listen, and we got soaked. I would have been mad at you, but you looked so cute, so I kissed you. I'm not going to lie I thought you were going to push me away and freak out. You didn't. That was the day I realized how important you are to me._

  
_Tyler I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to walk in and find me like that. I'm sorry if you cried over my body screaming for me to wake up. I'm sorry if you blame yourself. Please don't blame yourself baby boy. You probably hate me now, and honestly I don't blame you. But you have to believe me when I say that there's a reason for this._

  
_I'm an awful person, Tyler. I've done awful things and you were supposed to be one of them but fuck, you were too perfect and I couldn't let you end up like them. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hurting you, so I had to make sure you stayed safe. This is all going to confuse you but it'll make sense soon, I promise. There's a spot circled on the map. Go there. You'll know you're in the right spot when you find the shovel. Dig._

  
_I want you to move on, okay? I want you to get on with your life and make a name for yourself. Start your band, tour the world and perform in front of thousands of adoring fans. That is the future you deserve baby boy. I was no good for you. It may be awhile before you come to terms with that, or maybe not, but either way, it's the truth. Life with you was fun, Tyler, and what you decide to do with the memories of us if your choice. Our time together was short, but it was beautiful._

_Josh_

 

Tyler drives out to the forest marked in red ink. Sticks cracked beneath his feet, and curious birds croaked at him from branches high above. The thought of being lost had crossed his mind more than once. Soon enough, he found the shovel that had been waiting for his arrival, and he dug. Bloody clothes greeted him as he opened one of the newly uncovered bags. No desire to witness what the others contained, he goes home. Tyler burns the map.

And whenever he visits Joshs' grave, he always has a bouquet of purple flowers tucked under his arm.


End file.
